Kadaffi to run RI DMV?

Shocking Results to Rhode Island DMV Poll

Governor Lincoln Chafee has made it his mission to heal the broken state office during his administration.

A new team will tackle the problems at the DMV, including interim Director Lisa S. Holley, a former police detective and chief legal counsel for the state Department of Public Safety since 2008.

Here are the results of our recent RILaughs.com poll concerning conditions, upsets and service at the Rhode Island Division of Motor Vehicles.

Please remember, this is not a scientific poll and results may not be accurate.

According to our poll:

94% of Rhode Islanders would rather eat a  zeppole from DeFusco’s Bakery, than have to go to the RI DMV for any reason.

93% of Rhode Islanders say Muammar Gaddafi has a better personality and could do a better job than 89% of DMV employees.

88% of Rhode Islanders say they were less upset by the passing of a grandparent, than they were about waiting in line at the RI DMV.

86% of all Rhode Islanders would rather have a cold sore on their wedding day than register an automobile at the RI DMV.

42% of Rhode Islanders with children say they would rather send their kids off for a weekend with their parish priest  than have to wait in line at the DMV for more than 60 minutes.

18% of Rhode Islanders (since 1980) have given up their licenses rather than spend a day trying to renew an expired one.

12% of Rhode Islanders have traded sexual favors with a person in line in order to get called sooner.

7% of Rhode Islanders say they are better off stealing cars than attempting to register their own.

More RILaughs DMV poll results soon.

A roll in the hay will cost you in Rhode Island

Governor Chafee has announced he will propose a tax on sex for both married and unmarried couples who live in Rhode Island.

The controversial tax is just one of many Chafee is creating to help Rhode Island dig its way out of a massive financial crisis. Chafee had this to say about his plan.

“I was watching Jersey Shore the other day when the idea struck me. Why not tax nookie? Look at it as a sin tax. We already tax alcohol, cigarettes and soon possibly marijuana, so why don’t we tax Rhode Islanders for doing the wicked deed? It’s a fun tax and one that I’m sure many Rhode Islanders wouldn’t mind paying, Chafee winked”

Under the governor’s sex tax plan, married couples would  pay $1.oo per act with their spouse. Unmarried couples and those just hooking up would pay $5.00 per person, per act. Chafee predicts his controversial plan will bring millions in tax revenue to financially embattled Rhode Island.

“Look, I’m here to do a job. I have  to make sure RI has enough money to meet its current and future financial obligations. It’s time to be creative. I don’t want to look like the bad guy, but we need money. It’s that simple.”

“I think it’s ridiculous!”, exclaimed a single 23 year old male, RI College student, who did not wish to be identified. “Chafee has gone crazy!” The man then suggested a sex act that the governor should do with himself and be taxed for it, but it was too graphic to be included on this website.

“I know people are upset”, said Chafee. “It’s only normal to be mad about suddenly having to pay taxes on something that you’ve been getting a free ride on for so long. Hey, I made a joke. That’s pretty funny!”

When asked how Rhode Island would enforce the tax, the governor smiled and answered, “There will be a line on your Rhode Island 1040 tax form for you to write in the amount you owe. It’s on the honor system.  I have a feeling it’s going to be a matter of pride that keeps Rhode Islanders from lying about their sex lives. No one wants to admit that they’ve only had sex one or two times per year. I think that people who don’t have sex often will still inflate the numbers, just to save face. We’ll make a fortune.”

The proposal goes before RI lawmakers later this year.

Victor's Big Secret

A new store is opening in Rhode Island for men, who, let’s say have a little secret. Click the link to hear their new radio commercial.

VICTOR’S BIG SECRET

Written by: Rockin’ Joe Hebert    Voiced by: Ron Hayden

Rhode Island Personal Ad of the Week

Hi, My name is Wayne, I’m 30, born and raised in Woonsocket and I thought I’d try out the personal ad scene, considering everything I’ve been doing to attract a mate doesn’t seem to be panning out.

I’m 6′, 200 lbs. with curly brown hair, a goatee and big blue eyes that literally pop out of my head. I guess I should explain that. When I was very young,  I used to make a lot of really funny faces and embarrass my mom and dad whenever I could. (Usually, it was in front of their friends or business associates.) One day, mom told me that if I kept making funny faces, one of these days my face would get stuck like that.  Well guess what?

I was at my Uncle Albert’s funeral when I was 10 and my aunt was crying, so I thought I would cheer her up. I created this really funny face where my eyes pop out of my head and guess what? You guessed it. It stuck. So here I am 20 years later and I still have the  same dumbass look. My eyes never close. Not even when I’m sleeping. (I have a nurse on call 24 hours to drop Visine in my eyes every 15 minutes while I sleep) So, I wasn’t born like this. I just didn’t listen to my mom.

I’m looking for an understanding woman (between 18-45) to hang with, date, go to the movies with (i never miss a scene) and just  chill out with. I need an extremely understanding girl. Looking like this, I (unfortunately) am not allowed into many places. Like:

Wakes and Funerals

Chuck E. Cheese

The Foxy Lady

Anyplace the governor is speaking

The restroom at the Cranston Kmart

and more…….

I guess I don’t even have to mention that I’m a virgin, do I?

If you’re interested in taking a chance on a guy who a long time ago didn’t listen to his mother and is paying for it the rest of his life, please respond to this ad.

Please respond #PR-77-998

Turn Portuguese wih Rockin' Joe

Be sure to check out the FREE downloads page, because for a limited time, you can download the 5 songs from my 1995 EP, “Turning Portuguese” absolutely FREE.

Just click and enjoy! and be sure to send the links to your friends

Rockin’ Joe

“I don’t usually do interviews”, said the 500 pound, gilded bronze guardian of Rhode Island. “but I’m feeling a little down on myself lately and I want to make sure that the residents of Rhode Island appreciate what I’m doing up here. Trust me, this isn’t an easy gig.”

I met with The Independent Man at the state house. It wasn’t an easy interview to do. Lots of shouting and  repeating of both questions and answers. The interview was more than worth the effort.

RILaughs: “So, how are you?”

IM: “I’m freezing my ass off! Why the hell did they dress me in a loin cloth, anyway? What’s that got to do with Rhode Island? Not too many guys running around in loin cloths these days, are there? How about they update me? Maybe an Armani suit or something nice.  I’m 11 feet tall, but I bet Spardello’s has something in my size.”

RIlaughs: “You mentioned that your job was difficult. What’s so terrible about being The Independent Man?”

IM: “Don’t get me wrong. I love the job. I’m a celebrity. I’m on postcards, on magazine covers, I’m mentioned in a hundred books. I know the chicks are looking up and wanting me. I know I should be grateful, but sometimes it gets downright boring being up here all alone.”

RILaughs: “But if you weren’t alone, how could you remain independent?”

IM: “Why do I have to be independent? Why can’t RI build a hot looking statue to stand up here beside me. It gets very lonely up here talking to myself and swearing at birds all day long. We could be The Independent Couple. Now that would be awesome. I bet the women groups would get behind me on that one, too. So yeah, tell Chafee that i want me a woman-and a couple of sweatshirts.”

RILaughs: “Ok, well, I’ll pass it on. What else bothers you?”

IM: “I’m not feeling the love. I know I work for the state, but I never take vacations, I never call in sick (and believe me there are plenty of times I’ve wanted to), and I never complain, except for now.  Show me some, respect, RI. The kids today don’t know a thing about me. They’re too busy watching Jersey Shore and that Situation guy. I’m in extremely great shape. Take a look at MY situation for a change!”

RILaughs: “Do you have any fears?”

IM: “Several! Many people don’t know that I’m extremely afraid of heights. That’s why you never see me looking down. Fear of falling is another one. You do not want THIS (points to himself) falling on you. I’m pretty much bolted to the top here, but hardware does get rusty. Let’s just say, during strong storms and hurricanes, I do a lot of praying. Oh and that big blue termite thing a couple of miles away scares me sometimes. That’s why you never see my eyes closed. I’m afraid that if I fall asleep, that thing is gonna swoop down and attack my bronzed ass.”

RILaughs: Any embarrassing moments?

IM: (laughs) more than a few. About 50 years ago, I almost dropped the anchor. I had an itch on the back of my leg and I couldn’t stand it anymore. Ooops! I didn’t drop it, but it was pretty close.”

RILaughs: “What does the spear signify?”

IM: Don’t ask me. I had nothing to do with the spear. Who the hell uses a spear in RI?  Not many people know I wasn’t supposed to be up here at all. I was supposed to be a statue of Roger Williams. They changed their minds at the last minute. They didn’t want a statue wearing colonial style clothes on a Renaissance building. So they kinda created me.  If you ask me, I look like I should be on top of Mirabar, instead of the State House, but it’s a job.”

RiLaughs: “Anything you want to say to anyone!”

IM: “Well, besides saying hello to the fans, I want that Depetro character to know that I don’t appreciate him using my title and I’m demanding  he stop. There have been many times I’ve wanted to hop on down and shove this spear straight up his ass.  I got my lawyers working on him. ”

RILaughs: “Any final words to the state?”

IM: “You’d better start appreciating me. This is a thankless job. Don’t forget. I can see everything up here. I know what you’re doing at all times. I see you peeing in the bushes, cheating on your spouses, I see your road rage episodes, I see you littering . I see it all. If I ever decide to write a tell all book, there are lots of people in Rhode Island who are totally screwed. ”