“I don’t usually do interviews”, said the 500 pound, gilded bronze guardian of Rhode Island. “but I’m feeling a little down on myself lately and I want to make sure that the residents of Rhode Island appreciate what I’m doing up here. Trust me, this isn’t an easy gig.”
I met with The Independent Man at the state house. It wasn’t an easy interview to do. Lots of shouting and repeating of both questions and answers. The interview was more than worth the effort.
RILaughs: “So, how are you?”
IM: “I’m freezing my ass off! Why the hell did they dress me in a loin cloth, anyway? What’s that got to do with Rhode Island? Not too many guys running around in loin cloths these days, are there? How about they update me? Maybe an Armani suit or something nice. I’m 11 feet tall, but I bet Spardello’s has something in my size.”
RIlaughs: “You mentioned that your job was difficult. What’s so terrible about being The Independent Man?”
IM: “Don’t get me wrong. I love the job. I’m a celebrity. I’m on postcards, on magazine covers, I’m mentioned in a hundred books. I know the chicks are looking up and wanting me. I know I should be grateful, but sometimes it gets downright boring being up here all alone.”
RILaughs: “But if you weren’t alone, how could you remain independent?”
IM: “Why do I have to be independent? Why can’t RI build a hot looking statue to stand up here beside me. It gets very lonely up here talking to myself and swearing at birds all day long. We could be The Independent Couple. Now that would be awesome. I bet the women groups would get behind me on that one, too. So yeah, tell Chafee that i want me a woman-and a couple of sweatshirts.”
RILaughs: “Ok, well, I’ll pass it on. What else bothers you?”
IM: “I’m not feeling the love. I know I work for the state, but I never take vacations, I never call in sick (and believe me there are plenty of times I’ve wanted to), and I never complain, except for now. Show me some, respect, RI. The kids today don’t know a thing about me. They’re too busy watching Jersey Shore and that Situation guy. I’m in extremely great shape. Take a look at MY situation for a change!”
RILaughs: “Do you have any fears?”
IM: “Several! Many people don’t know that I’m extremely afraid of heights. That’s why you never see me looking down. Fear of falling is another one. You do not want THIS (points to himself) falling on you. I’m pretty much bolted to the top here, but hardware does get rusty. Let’s just say, during strong storms and hurricanes, I do a lot of praying. Oh and that big blue termite thing a couple of miles away scares me sometimes. That’s why you never see my eyes closed. I’m afraid that if I fall asleep, that thing is gonna swoop down and attack my bronzed ass.”
RILaughs: Any embarrassing moments?
IM: (laughs) more than a few. About 50 years ago, I almost dropped the anchor. I had an itch on the back of my leg and I couldn’t stand it anymore. Ooops! I didn’t drop it, but it was pretty close.”
RILaughs: “What does the spear signify?”
IM: Don’t ask me. I had nothing to do with the spear. Who the hell uses a spear in RI? Not many people know I wasn’t supposed to be up here at all. I was supposed to be a statue of Roger Williams. They changed their minds at the last minute. They didn’t want a statue wearing colonial style clothes on a Renaissance building. So they kinda created me. If you ask me, I look like I should be on top of Mirabar, instead of the State House, but it’s a job.”
RiLaughs: “Anything you want to say to anyone!”
IM: “Well, besides saying hello to the fans, I want that Depetro character to know that I don’t appreciate him using my title and I’m demanding he stop. There have been many times I’ve wanted to hop on down and shove this spear straight up his ass. I got my lawyers working on him. ”
RILaughs: “Any final words to the state?”
IM: “You’d better start appreciating me. This is a thankless job. Don’t forget. I can see everything up here. I know what you’re doing at all times. I see you peeing in the bushes, cheating on your spouses, I see your road rage episodes, I see you littering . I see it all. If I ever decide to write a tell all book, there are lots of people in Rhode Island who are totally screwed. ”